I admired her a lot. Her strength, wisdom and rigidity. Let me tell you about the fall of the queen, who also happens to be my queen. Moyo changed me for the better so I do have a lot to be thankful for; it is just a shame that she lost the battle against the world, of which she was in the lead.
Moyo, that’s all that I cared about. You and me, not you, me and them.
I’m the kind of person who likes to take full responsibility for her actions because I like to think that I am in control of what’s going on around me, and that I was fully in control when I took such decisions. I was in a rush to protect something that didn’t need protecting, and that was where I fell.
I was too ashamed to let them know that I was still a virgin and that I was keeping myself…you know, for marriage – which, if you ask me, is very funny because I am not the most religious person in the world, nor am I the most conventional or conservative but there is something about sex that makes me wonder a lot.
I believe that God created everything for a purpose. I was created for a purpose, as were you. Our bodies were also created for something special. Our sexual organs are not just there for the sake of being there. They are there to perform vital functions in our lives, particularly reproduction. Sexual pleasure comes second.
I just was not ready and I should have ignored them completely instead of entertaining their conversations and questions. But I just could not turn a deaf ear entirely. I was learning from these girls, and although it started off as all fun and games, with me being in control of what exactly was that I am learning; in retrospect, I think things began to take a horrible turn which translates to me losing control when I lied. My big fat lie which catapulted me to where I am today was that I am in fact not a virgin, not only that but a pro. I thought I was doing the right thing by deflecting the limelight off me because I didn’t want the constant policing but till date, that was the worst mistake of my life.
‘Shuu…small girl like you. What do you know about sex and boys?’
Amara’s question stung terribly. If she saw through me, why didn’t she stop me before I drowned deeper in my lie? Or maybe she was genuinely perplexed but eventually believed me. I doubt she knew. I have been told that I resemble the quiet but mystique type. Emphasis on mystique. Anyway, I had only taken one foot but it felt like I was 100 steps into this lie. I just couldn’t go back. I was far gone with one sentence. So I carried on and as you guessed it, they came back to hear a lot more. How we did it, how he liked it, the whole thing. An illiterate was now leading a class filled with graduates. And what do you do when you don’t know something? You fabricate. You don’t guess or wonder or hope that you’re getting it right, you do that when you’re half unsure, but when you’re completely oblivious. You fabricate. How did we end up here? Well, ‘I’. Dolapo, on the other hand, was very much unware of what was going when I wasn’t with him. Another mistake.
But after a while, it felt as if this huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders when Chika relieved me of my duties. She was an expert and they believed that they could learn so much more from her to which I obliged.
I took the back seat again, and the learning continued. Chika spoke with so much love in her heart. She made sex sound like something marvellous, not just the random ‘bang, bang, bang’ that I was used to hearing from the likes of Kemi and Jane, but she spoke with love and emotion. Being a one-man-woman that she is, it made it a lot easier for us to connect. She believes in love just as much as I do and she never lusted after her boyfriend. She spoke of him in such a manner that you would think they were already married. So much love and respect, it was unbelievable. And that was when I wished my ‘goody side’ would have stepped out of my body for one second to give me the camouflage talk; it’s love disguised in lust.
There was no such thing as the camo talk because I didn’t really make room for that. I wanted to lose control, I didn’t want to think anymore. I wanted to do it. I wanted to take what we had to another level because I feared ‘losing him’ as Tinu suggested would happen if I didn’t do the right thing; ‘Listen, the power is between our legs. You need to catch them before they run away. If you want to solidify your relationship, you have to do what you have to do.’
Those words lingered and I tried what I had learnt on Dolapo that evening. I didn’t see him as anything other than a guy that I just wanted to sleep with. I lusted. I did. Very hard words to repeat back to myself but I placed myself on such a high pedestal which attracted nothing but love and respect and within a twinkle of an eye, I traded those in for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I hope you’re well. This is indeed a very hard letter to write but I can’t face you, not now, not for a while but I need you to understand these words.
I must begin by thanking you for showing me love and care and I don’t regret knowing you at all. I was introduced to a different side of me that I never knew existed, that’s all you Moyo.
You’re probably wondering why I am so distant nowadays but that’s as a result of what you’ve become. I have to be a hundred percent honest with you because like you always said; ‘honesty is the best policy. You never really gave me the opportunity to prove to you that you don’t need to fight this war alone. I am very aware of the pressure that you face daily as a woman, and I never for once doubted your capabilities in overcoming them but this particular challenge chewed you up.
It’s just not the same anymore, Mo. I have to give you some space just to think deeply about what you want. To make your own decisions. Regain control because I know it’s in you. When we first met, I saw this feisty, strong woman who proved to me that this world is what you make of it.
This isn’t goodbye, nor is it a break-up letter but I pray you understand what I am trying to say. I would like to remember the queen that I know and fell in love with, and not her fall. The right thing at the wrong time automatically becomes the wrong thing. What happened was right – it was very right, but it happened at the wrong time which has now become the wrong thing to have done. So, I want you to figure out who you really are alone, without anyone there to influence you, including myself.
Just know that I’ll stand by you and whatever decision you make.
Beautiful and true are the two words that describe this article. It speaks boldly on the vulnerability of youths to to do whatever it takes to secure their relationship even as far as abusing love and sex by applying sex to love at the wrong time which may either make or mar the relationship.
It is also able to enlighten you on the fact that you should take your stand in your relationship and not easily be influenced by others. Although sex is a sweet pleasure, it should not be taking lightly and abused for any reason not even to save your relationship, if your partner loves you then he should be willing to wait for the right time.
Photo Credit: Imigin from Tumblr.