My own insecurities choked me and threw me into the arms of a world without feelings as life was not easy growing up in an average family; I am the first child of my family and after school, my siblings and I always stayed in our neighbour’s house to wait for our parents to return back home from work.
While staying at my neighbour’s house, I was abused by the male child of that family but could not speak to anybody about it. As a result of the trauma I became reserved and secretive; I wondered how my mother could not tell there was something wrong with me.
In school, it was harder because I lost focus on school work and detached myself from any social activities. On a particular day when I least expected it, a girl that I thought to be weird, walked up to me. She said, “I know just how you feel”. I almost burst out in laughter but then again she had on a serious look that made me restrain myself from doing so. I became nervous and my heart panicked as many thoughts kept running through my mind like could she have found out the truth? But I shook off that thought instead I smiled not knowing what to expect.
As though she read my mind, she brushed her left shoulder against mine and said “my previous statement was sent to you by a friend”. With my heart sinking and my throat filled with tears I was about to ask who the friend was when she said, “he knows your every thought, fear and pain”, the words she spoke frightened me but I was curious to know more so I just let her continue. She went on to say that she did not know exactly what I was going through but that she was absolutely sure there was a hole in my heart waiting to be filled. At this point, I found it hard to swallow my own saliva.
She continued speaking and the next thing I heard was Jesus before realising I had lost myself in my thoughts. I asked her what I needed to do, she told me “to let go and let Jesus in.” I had never met anyone as brave as she and her courage inspired me.
It was not easy living in trauma of the abuse, fear of shame or criticism neither was it easy to not regain myself or esteem immediately until I surrendered the past, the hurt, the mistake, the shame and guilt to Jesus Christ. Once I was able to give way for the holy spirit into my life, everything became anew.
You are probably feeling shallow, empty and like the whole world has abandoned you. The truth is that self-esteem and self-forgiveness gives you the courage to try new things, to believe in yourself and to be your own best friend. It is not about bragging but it is about forgiving yourself, your hurt, your abuser and pressing on towards the good side of life. It is not also about being perfect because you can only work towards perfection in Christ Jesus but the most important thing to know is that you should always learn to see yourself in a positive light.